Ask EDN Question:
Hi EDN,
I started a new job and very quickly I’ve noticed that my “boss” and coworker have the pettiest (for lack of a better word) relationship with one another. Every staff meeting, which happens every Friday, it’s tit for tat, it’s interruptions, one undermines the other. It’s makes staff meetings long and unbearable. I’ve been in the workforce now for ten years and this is my first time experiencing this type of toxic environment. I work in the nonprofit world and generally folks are respectful to one another. I’ve talked to my other coworkers and they’ve all noticed it to but at this point they become desensitized to it-they just zone out. I know for a fact that we can all have much more productive and less toxic staff meetings. I want to offer solutions because I’ve seen it done better! How do I raise this constructively? Or should I stay quiet?
Love what y’all do!
Thank you!
Response:
Dear Stuck in a Toxic Environment,
Thank you for your Question!
Toxic cultures have a huge impact on employees. It is difficult to work and thrive in toxic workplaces, and toxicity contributes to turnover in the workforce. No one wants to dread going to work. Whenever you’re dealing with a toxic coworker or boss, you really only have two choices: to confront the person or to ignore them.
Many people might opt for the latter, and it’s not a bad idea. In this case, they are directing their awful behavior towards one another, it’s not directed at you; you’re just collateral damage.
If you go this route, the secret to maintaining your sanity is to practice emotional detachment. You want to establish a barrier between you and your coworker’s /bosses negativity. If you do not guard yourself against the intense emotions that are flying around, you will certainly fall victim to them.
Stanford professor and organizational psychologist Robert Sutton has a useful mental trick for keeping your emotional distance: Pretend you’re a scientist studying a foreign environment and its strange inhabitants. Observe how she acts and speaks and how others respond. “What a bizarre and fascinating way of communicating,” you might think.
If you approach your coworkers like an anthropologist, you will be less likely to take what they do or say personally. You may even gain a greater understanding of them and their possible motives.
The other option, of course, is to address the person’s behavior directly. Most people hate this idea because, well, it sounds confrontational, and we tend to think of confrontation as inherently negative.
Tackling the issue head-on, even if it is uncomfortable in that moment, can save you a lot of strife in the long run. For one, it seems that this behavior between your coworker and boss has become normalized in your organization. If you accept someone’s constant negativity and never challenge it, they will assume you are okay with it. You are responsible for setting your own boundaries. You are in a unique position as a new member to the team to offer feedback and offer suggestions.
For example, meeting with your boss one on one and suggesting that you all come up with ground rules for staff meeting to help them run more effectively. Everyone can help develop the ground rules and agree to hold one another accountable. Talk to your other coworkers and see if they would support you in this endeavor or if they consider it useful.
Second, it’s amazing how little self-awareness most people have and how frequent miscommunications can be. Your coworker and boss may be fixated on their own office drama, and might not realize the impact it’s having on you and other colleagues. If you address it, be sure not to blame, since that would instantly put her on the defensive. Instead, point out the specific behaviors and why they are problematic for you and how they have affected the overall office culture.
For instance, the next time either of them makes a snide remark, considering saying something like: “I know this isn’t your intention, but when you say things like that, it puts me in an awkward position.” At the very least, confronting the behavior that’s making you feel uncomfortable in a reasonable way gives them the opportunity to respond form a place of understanding and sympathy. At best, they may respect you for it.
Whatever you do, make sure you’re taking care of yourself and not letting the office turmoil get to you. Focus on your work, your health and your life outside the zoo — and remember to laugh at all the rare, wild species that you encounter there. Treat yourself to Happy Hour Every Friday and vent to your friends about the crazies you work with. That’s always fun!
Serenity Now!
Let us know how it goes!
Best,
EDN PD.