Ask EDN Question:
Hey EDN,
I have what I feel is an ethical and moral dilemma. I am the first person in my family to go to college. I graduated last year. I have cousins that recently came from back home who are both enrolled in community college. I’ve done, yes done-not helped, all their essay assignments for the entire time they’ve been in community college. They are about to start applying to a 4 Year school and to be honest, it takes up a lot of time and I’m not sure how much more I can do. I also feel like it’s plagiarizing, it’s wrong, they aren’t learning anything and I’m not sure I’m actually helping their long term goals!
I’ve talked to my parents about it and they both just guilt me and make me feel bad that I even raised the question -“They are family, help them”- is what I get. When they have essays due-it takes at least 4-10 hours a week for each. I’m not sure they even read them when I’m done. Luckily I’m a good writer, planning on going to law school, but it doesn’t seem fair.
I want to work on setting a clear boundary. I, like most first generation Eritreans, want to use my degree to help my family, but this is not how I envisioned doing it. How do I make it stop? Am I being a brat?
Any advice would be great. Thank you.
Response:
Thank you for your question! When family is involved it’s always really hard to say no, especially coming from the cultural context of being Eritrean. After posting this question on our social media platforms and discussing it here at “Ask EDN”, we feel that this continuous enabling of your cousins could end up being more harmful than helpful. A famous quote that a few people used to describe this instance was, “give a man a fish and you feed him for a day; teach a man to fish and you feed him for a lifetime.”
I think the majority consensus is that you could maybe assist your cousins to give them the tools they need to be successful with their schoolwork, but eventually they need to do their own work. You, having to juggle everyone’s course load, isn’t sustainable and eventually, your cousins will be tested on skills that they never learned. This will definitely be a major deterrence to them later on in their studies as basic literacy is necessary to advance in any field they choose. Across our social media platforms there were suggestions for tutoring programs or study groups provided by the schools your cousins attend or even paid programs, that could potentially support their growth and learning.
I’m not sure if any of this will alleviate your guilt or feelings of responsibility for your family, because as an Eritrean I’m sure many of us can identify. In the end you must understand that you need to prioritize your needs, in hopes that your best self can better support those around you! Also, every individual should be given the tools to take agency over their own lives and your cousins will appreciate you a lot more for letting them do it on their own, versus having to rely on you forever.
Wishing you the best of luck!
EDN PD