Dear EDN,

I am an office manager. My boss’s wife and I became good friends after meeting at a Christmas party a few years back. We’ve hung out a few times with her friends, worked out and I babysit for them every so often. Lately, she’s suspected that my boss, her husband, is cheating on her. I’ve seen signs as well. Our office is open during COVID and she keeps asking more who he is seeing, who he’s meeting with, and if I notice him on the phone with one particular person. I avoid her questions, but I’ve also been in her position. She has mentioned casually before that if they got divorced the business would be hers and has jokingly said she is really my boss. What do I do?

Dear Caught in the Middle,

This is a very tough situation to be in and certainly it must exacerbate what is already a stressful time for most of us. Our community was able to gather some advice that we hope will be useful to you as you navigate this situation. 

Conversation:

Talking openly with your boss’s wife is an unavoidable step, as difficult as it may be. Be empathetic but honest about how uncomfortable it is for you to be involved in their marital issues. While it might seem more polite to go around an issue and not be very direct, remember that honesty and clear communication is best, so be direct with her about the line she is asking you to cross by becoming involved in what should be a private matter between herself and her husband. This will be difficult, but it is necessary for you to be able to salvage whatever professional relationships you may still have left with the both of them.

We believe that in order for you to continue working in this environment, it’s best to stay out of their personal business. It may even be best (if possible) to scale back from having any social interaction with the wife. This friendship with her is clearly not in your best interest. It sounds like you understand where she is coming from due to similar personal experience, and that can make it hard to be objective in this situation. However, because her husband is your employer and any involvement from you may jeopardize your career, try to retain your objectivity.

Exit Strategy:

You state that you have seen some behavior that your boss may be having an affair. Do you know this for sure, and do you know who is involved in the affair? If the person involved in the affair is a fellow employee, what is your working relationship with them? Considering that you are the office manager, if your boss’s affair is with an employee who reports directly to you, it’s advisable for you to take this matter to HR. Only do this if the boss or employee’s behaviors are in violation of your company’s rules or if you believe that the affair is a factor in anyone’s ability to perform their work as normal. Not as a roundabout way of helping his wife to “catch” or punish him.

Lastly, if the wife doesn’t accept/ respect your decision to stay neutral, it may be time to prepare your exit strategy and start exploring other job opportunities. This kind of personal involvement with employers makes it hard to regain professional respect once it is lost. We wish you the best of luck!

Best,