#AskEDN Question:
Lately, I have been eager to dedicate more effort in helping my parents out financially. However, just recently, I have been offered a job that is cross country. It’s essentially a dream job, but I do feel a heavy sense of responsibility to stay closer to my parents as they get older. I sort of feel that I’m at a crossroads with my passions. I don’t mind in the slightest with helping my parents out with their business, paperwork, bills, etc. but I’m not sure how this may affect my career aspirations in the long run. In that same breath, I worry that the more career-driven I become, I’ll look back in 5-10 years and notice my parents still in the same predicament. I want to be as logical as possible, but the answer isn’t coming to me. How should I go about this? I appreciate any advice!
Response:
Dear Good Kid,
Thank you for raising this important question. Many of us have dealt with this same conundrum. We want to commend you for assuming this responsibility and for the level of deep love and consideration you are displaying to your parents. You’re doing the right thing and asking the right questions.
Your Parents want you to be happy.
During our Mental Health and Us workshop, one of our Presenters, Shamm Petros, said something that has struck with many of us since. “Our parents are tasked with survival, we are tasked with success.”
Your parents made the sacrifices that they made so you can freely, without hindrance, to have the opportunity to pursue your “dream job.” They don’t want you to make the same sacrifices they made, even though it may seem that way sometimes. You should talk to you parents, you should tell them about this opportunity that has become available, tell them it is your dream job, tell them about all the great doors it will open up for you, and they will likely encourage you to pursue it and support you in that endeavor.
Merih on Instagram shared a quote “You can’t pour water from an empty glass.” If this is your dream job and you do not pursue it, you instead choose to stay home with your parents, it could be very likely that you can become unhappy, grow to become resentful and start to have a very bad relationship with your parents.
It is okay to prioritize your own happiness. You are responsible for your own happiness. You must prioritize your own life. You can’t be and/or give to others, even your parents, when you are draining yourself. That my friend only leads to misery and resentment, and no one, especially your parents want that for you.
Our parents are capable of more than we think they are.
For this part, I’ll speak from personal experience. My Dad, for lack of a better word, literally had two 24/7 Executive Assistant’s between me and my sister. If there was a problem, one of us was going to make that call, write that letter, and do what we needed to do to handle or figure it out.
As expected, it became a lot. It was straining our relationship with our Dad whom we love very much. We would spend the whole day at work and/or school than be bombarded why calls from him asking what we had done about this and about that and then to boot he would get annoyed with us. THE AUDACITY i would think to myself.
One day, I was venting to my therapist about my Dad and she said to me, “It seems to me like you and your sister treat your Dad like a child when he has managed to build a business, come to America, raise you all and thrive. He has the capacity to call and handle these things, but you all just have inserted yourselves in a way that has taken away his agency and ability to do so.”
I got out of that session and called my sister IMMEDIATELY! I told her what was said to be and it was like that Oprah Ahhhhaa Ha moment! So she and I started working together to set boundaries with my Dad. We started encouraging him to call the Doctor’s office himself. At first he would make excuses, like they mess with him because of his accent, but we would tell him what to say, when to say it and send him on his way.
Let me tell you now, we are both so proud of my Dad. He handles it! Put any customer services rep up against him, he’s got it! He now calls customer service for his friends and other family members. If a Doctor’s office won’t give you a referral, my Dad’s got it. Every so often, he brings my sister or I in to play back up. This man wakes up everyday, with his list of things to do that day, he gets through it.
Same with your parents. Start now when your home, but have them start dealing with these issues on their own. Let them know you have a lot going on with work or school and they can try to make the call. Show them how to fill out the paperwork. You are saying that your parents have their own business, they’ve been able to figure a lot out and will likely be able to continue to do so.
Additionally, even when your away, if they still need more help, dedicate two hours a week to helping them. If they need to scan documents for you to review, show them how to do that. If they need you to call some place, they can text you the number. Our parents can still be pushed to learn more.
Lastly…
If you do decide to take this new job, ask them if you are able to travel home regularly and if they will be able to accommodate that. For example, maybe ask if every two months you can take a Friday and Monday off so you can be at home with your parents.
Some folks in the comments suggested having your parents move with you, but it seems like they have their own business they are operating, logistically, that may not make the most sense.
If you have siblings, cousins, and aunts/uncles in the area, ask for their support to keep an eye on your parents, at least initially to make sure they are okay. If you have siblings, definitely speak to them about assuming some additional responsibility to help out.
Take time to pray, medidate, and talk to mentors, family and close friends so you can make the best decision for yourself.
Whenever you step onto an airplane before the flight takes off, they warn “before you assist others, always put your oxygen mask on first.” I’ve learned from my experiences that helping others is almost impossible to achieve if you are going through turbulence in your life or career. If your current situation is unstable, unfulfilled, how can you possibly help others?
We all owe our parents a lot. They’ve done a lot for us, with much less. But if they see you thriving, fulfilled, happy, and living your best life, that in turn infuses joy into them. Additionally, if you’re making more money, it will mean that you have more resources you can use to save, buy a house or take them on the vacation of thier dreams.
If this new job doesn’t work out, you can always go home.
Please let us know how it goes. We wish you the best.
EDN PD